Oh....My.....Gosh

Somebody ought to take this kid up to the roof of a twenty story building and do the same thing to him.

http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=123283

An Announcement

It's funny the things we remember. Take the entire 13th year of my life. I remember some stuff that happened year, like starting high school and being tormented and bullied by all the beautiful, rich popular kids. But I don't think I remember any specific, word for word utterances spoken by anyone that year except for one. And I'm afraid it's nothing terribly poignant or deep. But I did remember it. Are you ready? Okay, here it is.

No wait. First, let me set the stage. (I mean it is the only quote I remember word for word from that whole year so I think at least a stage should be set.) It was a hot, partly cloudy afternoon. The kind of afternoon a pretty white pony trots up to a handsome blonde boy on holiday and gives him a carrot. I was playing, no hanging out, no playing - I always get so confused when I think about my life at this age. For instance this was about the time I transitioned from playing with my friends, to hangin out. There was a brief window in there of about two and a half months when my friends and I messed around, but not long into this stage something clicked and I finally figured out what Jack meant when he would (constantly!) ask Chrissy if she wanted to mess around. And my buddies and I were definitely not messin around. Mr. Roper was so clueless.

So my friend and I were hangin out. We were doing something athletic, I don't remember what. But we were hot, sweaty, and thirsty. I went into my kitchen to grab a glass of water, and asked my friend if he would like some. And he said, (this is it) "No, I want soda. Water doesn't quench my thirst."

Yeah, I know. Did like your jaw just like drop past your midriff like mine did at the time? Anyways, after I collected myself and regained my composure, I questioned him about his stunningly absurd statement. He went on and did his very best to convince me that it was always that way with him, that water had never quenched his thirst, and I finally capitulated. I took him at his word. But I remembered. I made a vow to myself that I would never forget those nine words - not a conscious vow mind you - it must have been an unconscious vow. And I've obviously kept that vow, because that's the kind of man I am, when I don't consciously know I've made a vow.

So what is the announcement?

To be continued.....(Hint - it pertains to something that is wet, and rhymes with "Prague-law," kind of)

*Editors Note: I am pleased to report, that in the ensuing years this individual, quite on his own, was able to fully and completely reconcile with water, and now lives a satisfyingly hydrated and happy life with his family in a Washington D.C. suburb.

Gather Family and Freinds - Must See

News from Scotland. Brace yourself. It's like you are right there, in the courtroom while it is happening. It's hard to believe that after all that, it finally came to an end in the hallway. I'm still shaking a little bit.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/scotland_politics/7466650.stm

Yoga - Someone's Got To Say Something

Yoga. I’d never tried Yoga before. Sure I’d watched the Yoga’ers doing their thing in the room with the big window and big balls, while I did a man workout. I watched. And watched. But I never seriously considered condescending to join the people too lazy to get up off the floor and lift something besides their junk.

Well, I heard a story a few weeks ago on NPR about the Indian Army and their experimentations with Yoga and its ability to turn the average Indian into a real badass, compared to regular exercising . (By the way, I’m talking about red dot Indians and not American Indians for those of you who don’t know that American Indians don’t currently have their own army, God forbid.) Now I know the Indian army couldn’t get much more of a lethal reputation, and I must admit that when I first imagined how Yoga might help these guys I imagined them healing more quickly or being able to control their breathing after being brutally beaten, but that’s not really the point. The point is that it was what I needed to give me the motivation to try it out. That, and coincidentally on the same day, I was invited by my wife for the first time to actually attend a Yoga class with her. She had been a few times, and I could see and feel some subtle yet subtle changes come over her body.

You really owe it to yourself to give it a try. It is a real ground floor opportunity. I should have tried it years ago when it was recommended to me by a real medical doctor. My blood pressure was a bit off, and she recommended that I try Yoga, as it had been shown to be effective in the battle against high blood pressure, she said. But she was from India, or Mexico or something, and I just brushed it off as propaganda and cultural conditioning that we all succumb to from time to time. Ha. Yeah, she probably grew up in a little village that didn’t even have a drive-through that stays open in case someone needs a fourth meal at 3am. I didn’t come to you for your witchdoctor wisdom woman, give me my pills. The pharmaceutical companies have invested a lot of money into research and development and cool pens and briefcases with wheels. I swear. How subversive. If India wasn’t a friendly, democratic, capitalistic society and a good friend to the United States I’d be suspicious.

Anyways, the Yoga class was great, even though I probably should have worn longer shorts. I used muscles in my body that , well, I’m not sure that they were really muscles. I could have sworn that for about 20 seconds there I had a vagina (nice place to visit, wouldn’t want to live there). And yes, you got me. That last bit of information was indeed just a crass attempt to utilize search engines to direct some of the huge amount of adult traffic to my blog. Though , if someone is searching for porno on the web and does so by using the word vagina, he’s probably no more than eleven and definitely home schooled. Whoops, did it again.

Did I become more of badass by attending my first Yoga class, you ask? Definitely.

Initiate Launch Sequence

Warning: this could get ugly. I, like so many others, yet somehow unlike the others, have come to realize that I have something extraordinary to offer people who are blessed enough to have internet access. Yes, luckily for you, I have officially become a card carrying member of the self- aggrandizing club of bloggers who blog about nothing but what they think about stuff. I don’t really want to do this. It feels kind of like having to brush my teeth at midnight instead of going straight to bed after having fallen asleep on the couch. You know the feeling. If you don’t do something that is so obvious and easy to avoid bad consequences you end up hating yourself and taking it out on those you love most. By not brushing my teeth, an obvious bad consequence would be developing a rotten brown smile, which actually, I could live with. It’s the prospect of having to go to the dentist any more than is absolutely necessary that must be avoided. Dentists and their instruments and weird dentist smell scare the heck out of me. I would rather have the entire alphabet branded on my right butt cheek, which unfortunately every day seems to be increasing in size so as to actually make such an absurdity plausible were it to ever come to that. I would be a terrible spy. The enemy would get anything out of me by threatening to give me a good teeth cleaning. But I digress. I think. I’ve never blogged before.

What I’m trying to get at is that I see this as a necessary task. I am so tired of feeling like a complete idiot (maybe it’s just me) hearing about all of the people making tons of money online soooo easily just being themselves. They are actually making money being themselves, which is just wrong. And I realize the inherent risk here – which is of course that by offering up my own unique brand of observations I might be incontestably shunned by humanity, leaving me feeling utterly and uniquely worthless. If that happens (God forbid), I will shut the hell up, finally get my CDL license and ride off into the sunset.

I haven’t sold out completely though. I have yet to acquire a MySpace or Facebook page celebrating me. My self-esteem isn’t quite that healthy. I still can’t seem to wrap my head around the whole social networking thing. It’s not that I think we don’t all have a need to express ourselves and feel validated, just not necessarily to thousands or millions of people. If those closest to us in our own lives expressed any real consistent interest in us we’d all be fine, and there would be far fewer completely unnecessary restraining orders.

So, here goes. Drum roll please.

As my first official contribution to your life, I am going to start out real brash, like I just don’t care, and recommend a movie. I realize that by doing this I may lose the rest of you (who sadly are still reading this) because expressing opinions about movies and music tends to make people a wee bit judgmental. For instance, I think people who enjoy country music evolved from retarded monkeys, the rest of us from normal ones. Are there retarded monkeys, you ask? There must be – or must have been. Retarded monkeys whose dogs died and whose retarded monkey mates had cheatin hearts. I apologize to those of you who find the word retarded offensive. Special country music loving monkeys. And by the way, it’s okay/pc to say that because there are no black country music lovers. I checked. So please, it’s just a suggestion. And here it is; you should definitely see LARS AND THE REAL GIRL. Why you ask? Well, besides having a message that I thought was uplifting and inspiring (but not that much), I thought it was very memorable and funny. So there. That’s it. No analysis. Just see it. You’re welcome.

Tomorrows Blog will be titled: Yoga - Somebody’s Got to Say Something.

*Editors note: As time goes on I will be adding affiliates to my blog. These are handpicked, thoroughly researched affiliates. I did not enroll in AdSense, which would mean my blog would be populated with various advertisements from which I would potentially receive revenue. Any advertisements on my blog will be from companies whose services and products I and my family use, (an anti-endorsement?) or have some experience with. Please check them out. I understand that CDL licenses are a kind of a hassle to get.